My father was a patriarchal man. I spent more time arguing with him over a woman’s duty than cleaning the kitchen he told me to clean.

“But Abo, it’s the boys turn to clean. I cleaned yesterday and the day before!”

“Naya, if you don’t get in that kitchen. That’s your job. It’s my job to raise a daughter who can handle housework!”

“Why!?”

“Because that’s your job!”

“But Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said that the women doesn’t have to cook or clean for her husband and that he can do his own stuff. So I don’t have too!”

With that, he’d glare at me and in his eyes I could see both happiness and anger. He had raised a daughter who refused to abide to rules without reason, but also a daughter he believed to be westernized. His lack of immediate response made me wish I had bit my tongue and just cleaned the kitchen. I knew that he would lecture me for hours and, honestly, cleaning the kitchen would’ve been much easier than to listen to the disappointment coating his every word.

His speeches began with concept of conception.

“Muniro. Allah (swt) created it so that when a man and woman come together they create life. He set it so that both man and woman have roles to provide and care for this child. A man’s job is to work and secure shelter for the child. A woman’s is to nurse the child and maintain the environment the child lives in. If you are to one day marry, should you not know how to fit your motherly role?”

“What makes you think I want kids? What if I work and my husband stays at home with the kids? Would I still have to clean and cook and everything else? Who plays which role then?”

After every statement I would spew questions, challenging his every argument. In the end we always reached an impasse. He would stick to his cultured beliefs and I would stick to my “westernized” ideals. But neither of us knew quite what Islam had to say.

My dad died convinced of what he believed, but I am still unsure what I believe when it comes to who I am as a Muslim woman.

I wish I could be as sure as my father about the role I’m suppose to take, but times change and what was once black and white is now merging into shades of grey.

I think I’ll stop worrying about roles and just be a phenomenal woman.