I remember mocking girls who’d wear the hijab occasionally or have half their hair showing. The convertible hijabi.

I remember not-so silently judging the girls who wore leggings, almost like second skin, with their hijab. The hoejabi.

I remember questioning the imaan of girls who identified as Muslim, but didn’t even wear the hijab. The is-she-even-muslimjabi.

Now I’m thankful those are just cringe-worthy memories, but I hate it. I hate that I was raised to question everything a woman does, but to never second guess a man.

Every time I become conscious of my internalized misogyny, I get angrier and angrier.

Why do we teach little girls to hate themselves so much?

Why do we teach them their existence is based off a man?

I wish I could say it’s only men that push these expectations on us, but from my experience, it’s been other women who’ve taught me how to hate myself. But lets be honest, it is only men. Men consistently devalue women and women internalize it. It passes from generation to generation, a sick curse. It’ll end with me.

I get angry when I think about an aunt of mine who told me I’d never find a husband because I couldn’t cook. I was thirteen.

I’m angry that she truly believed a woman’s worth was in her ability to cook and maintain a home. Angry that she put value in something so superficial, when she herself was a successful business woman. Where was the value in her work? In her intellect. In her generosity.

I think about my father who echoed the same sentiments as her. I remember resenting him at some point for deny me my freedom. He believed he was protecting me from the evils of the world and maybe he was. Still, I harbored a grudge against him and my brothers who moved freely and to their own accord. I hated my womanhood.

My father had his fair share of views I never agreed with, but I will always love him. But as far as men come, I’m thankful for him because he allowed me the space to disagree and encouraged me to find my own understanding of the world. I think had I had a few more years with him I could’ve made him question his olden day stance and swayed him over to feminism. But only God knows if that’s true.

Recently, I’ve been embracing my womanhood more and more. I realize that in terms of the treatment women, we’ve got a long way to go. But even with the wage gap, the glass ceiling, cat calling, and insert all the cons of being a woman; it is still amazing to be a woman.

Women are resilient.

Women are brave.

Women are powerful.

Women are strong.

Women are intelligent.

Women are kind.

Women are the future.

Its taken me a long time to come to the conclusion that being a woman is not a sin. It’s is not something to be ashamed of. My existence is valid. I am allowed to take up space. To speak freely. To do what I want with my body. To practice my faith how I choose.

Now when I see a girl who practices different than me, all I think is how wonderful it is the salam I give her and she returns is full of blessings for us both.